Entertaining Quotes...

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                                  "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

(W.C. Fields)

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"I'm not funny.  What I am is brave."

"If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it."

(Lucille Ball)

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"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

"To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!!!"

(Charlie Chaplin)

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"The problem with self improvement is knowing when to quit."

(David Lee Roth)

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"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

(George Carlin)

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"There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them."

(Lawrence Welk)

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"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

(Steven Wright)

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"What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke."

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders.  I hate necks."

(Steve Martin)

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"I did everything by the seat of my pants.  That's why I got hurt so much."

(Evel Knievel)

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"My comedy if different everytime I do it.  I don't know what the hell I'm doing."

(Adam Sandler)

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"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

(Bob Hope)

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"Its a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue."

(Stephen Fry)

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"I was the first woman to burn my bra.  It took the fire department four days to put it out."

(Dolly Parton)

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"I used to think I actually was Batman."

(Justin Timberlake)

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"Sandwiches are wonderful.  You don't need a spoon or a plate."

(Paul Lynde)

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"I forgive my mom for being a psycho and my dad for being a loser."

(Nikki Sixx)

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"My toughest fight was my first wife."

(Muhammad Ali)

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"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

(Groucho Marx)

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"Ah, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

(Sam Kinison)

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"I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one."

(Johnny Vegas)

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   "Tree huggin' peace lovin' pot smokin' porn watchin' lazy ass hippie like me..."

(Todd Snider)

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"I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

(Thomas A. Edison)

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"I was in a supermarket and saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce...I thought he was missing."

(Bob Saget)

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"Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience."

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read."

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one so I bought a cake."

"I wish I could play little league now.  I'd be way better than before."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"This shirt is dry clean only.  Which means....It's dirty."

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying... ...'here you throw this away'."

"I'm going to fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."

(Mitch Hedberg)

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"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake that, you're in."

"I think that's how Chicago got started.  A bunch of people in New York said 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west'."

(Richard Jeni)

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"For more entertaining quotes check out a thing that all the kids are raving about called the internet."

(Kick Me Comedy)

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